Angel in disguise.

So the delicate negotiations begin.

Though at home I get plenty of time alone, I'm not 'allowed' out unaccompanied.

There are a few reasons. Unlike a lot of Stroke Survivors, at least, the ones I know, I look quite unaffected.

The disability can be quite invisible. Part of the reason for that is I quickly got to dislike the 'disabled' label, and I worked very hard to appear normal in the early years.

In retrospect, that was foolish of me and the pain and frustration I felt placed an unnecessary extra burden on those around me. I should have been less driven and more patient. More, I know now that I inadvertently insulted other stroke survivors who more wisely found that strength doesn't come half-killing yourself  to fit in with everyone else. It often comes from swallowing your pride and knowing when to know, and when to ask for help. I failed to get the professional help I needed simply because I refused to admit I needed it. Incredibly stupid of me

Going out was always going to be a problem. Though my intellectual facilities had not diminished, as I quickly discovered, I became, and still can, be very confused in crowds and around busy traffic. I'm told I have a habit of 'wandering off',  and I find walking any distance exhausting even with support.

Cerebellum (linky)

Since my cerebellum (latin for 'little brain', at the bottom back of the brain) was mostly destroyed, which amongst other things controls balance, walking is very much like walking the deck of a ship, or a tight rope. You can do it, but heck does it take practice! I can fall over unexpectedly. We call them "hello floor!" moments which can leave me looking like someone beat me up.

I also have a few communication difficulties. I have to slow down my thinking so that my mouth can keep up, and I do have times when I know what I want to say, but it just won't come out or comes out wrong, and I can seem distant or worse, drunk. This is known in the UK as Aphasia and Dysphasia, and in the USA as just Aphasia.

As a kid I had a pronounced stutter. I never thought I'd say this, but if it wasn't for the speech therapy  I had back then I'd be stuffed now.

To further complicate matters, over the years I've had mini strokes, which have had a cumulative effect, and recently, fits.

------------

As you can imagine, all this had a tremendous impact on my independence. I went from a marathon runner who loved hiking, orienteering and very early morning breakfasts at Café's I loved to track down, to someone who never goes out alone. Morning paper? Forget it. A pub? What's that? I've never had a McDonalds (suspect I'm not missing much) A coffee with friends, holidays, visits to my old haunts in the Uk or on the continent. Nah. And I lost my driving licence.

I'm watched by a nervous family when I eat, hovered around the bathroom door when I (in my modified) shower. I've had worried neighbours phone the police if I wander a few yards to a local wildflower field to  forage or sit on a bench. "Dray, get in the car mate. Ah-ah-don't argue. Get in the car" Sheesh.

I'm not allowed out alone. Somewhere along the line I was actually classed, I recently discovered, as "a danger to myself and others" Makes me sound like a bonkers mad axeman.

---------

New doctor at our surgery. Young chap. Knows his stuff. Naturally, I had my Bear with me. Raised his eyebrows when he saw that my stroke prevention tablets amounted to 23 a day. "Blimey!" he said. Then he put me through a battery of tests.

"Right" he said. You've not been to Neurology for yonks, but you're going. May be a wait. As we left he said "Dray, ring me".

So I did. He explained that though everyone's concerns are legitimate, I have to regain a degree of independence, I must be allowed to make mistakes, and that people will just have to worry. "We" he explained "are just going have to work out an action plan. Oh, and next time you come down, leave the missus in the waiting room". I think I like this man.

--------------

The delicate negotiations? Well, I run the family finances. Very good I am too. We are in credit with absolutely everything, which I believe is a little unusual. No debts.

But if I'm going to get out alone, I need to reserve a little for personal use. The family have become used to, ahum, appropriating anything left over for their use.

That local Café I want to try not too far away?

Wish me luck.