Boing.

According to our Practice Nurse, I'm a Plopper.

If there's hole in the system, I apparently fall through it. "But" she smiled "it is the NHS"

She discovered for instance, I have a 'substance addiction' Now, we've known each other for years, she had no idea how that flagged up (in bright red on the computer, mind you). Dutifully, she went through my Paper Record. Then the penny dropped. I take 19 tablets a day, all prescribed. As I suspect I've mentioned before, that pans out at 133 a week, 577 a month, or 6916 a year.

The smart-arsed software in the NHS computer system flagged that up as suspicious, leading to numerous pharmacy double checks. Suspicious? SUSPICIOUS? 6916 a year I'd say so. I could throttle the government programmer who got bored one Friday night at his 70' retro night (Drag Queen Special, Free Drinks for Ladies) and input that little gem.

My dears, I have no wish to end up in rehab for anticoagulant medication. 'Substance abuse' was, of course, removed.

Plop.

Excuse me while I hide my 50 year old single Malt Genfiddich* under my desk......Ssshhh...

And, as Jimney Cricket used to say, there's more.

Those that have corresponded with me privately, know, that for a Yorkshireman, I have a somewhat unusual Christian name. So what are the chances of someone having the same name? At the same GP Practice? With a wife of the same name? Next to nil, thats what.

It's no secret I don't like going to the podiatrist appointments. But I can't blame the podiatrist for that. First, the podiatrist was a bit aggressive. It wasn't the one I normally see. Which was odd. So I asked about the usual lass, and I was was told brusquely "she requested a swop". 'Course, I asked why and received no answer. The lady was so aggressive she caused a little damage, which is a big no-no.

A month later, my appointment failed to arrive. So my Bear queried it, was given an appointment for me. (Not dropped off have you?) As usual, Bear phoned up the day before to confirm the appointment. The GP did, then realised that the podiatrist had 'made a fake'. An appointment had been made on a day the podiatrist never visited.

To cut a long story short, it turned out that a bloke of the same name, with a wife of the same name, exactly 10 years older than me was mean, cussed, nasty and abusive. Guess who's medical record 'abusive' ended up on? Yup. It's been removed. I don't really need an appointment, but can I get one? Nope. Paper records. Can't be edited. Tippex? Nope. That would be 'falsification'. Sheesh.

Plop.

I've received a letter telling me I failed to turn up for hospital appointments four times. I wrote and said I hadn't received them. As it happens, the Consultant is a born-again Christian chap I've known for 25 years. No worries he said. Don't need to see you, you're doing ok. Just let me know if there's any probs. Can't explain why you got the letter. Then I received another............

Plop .

Funny old life, isn't it ?

*1My spell checker threw up 'Genocide' as a suggestion. Hmmm.
*2 Ken Goodwin fan myself. Yes, I'm a certain age.