UFO's

I'm an amateur astronomer.

An astronomer without a telescope at the mo. Which is downright annoying, and likely to remain annoying for quite some time because the replacement I want costs £450, and I've just had to pay nearly £300 quid out. Stupid washing machines.

Not like washing machines are essential is it? That's what t'bath and yer feet are for, I tried to explain to my Bear. She wasn't having any of it. Very adamant she was. I put on my best Barry White voice (I can do that) - well, it worked 25 years ago - and she still wouldn't budge. Then she stuck her bottom lip out. Uh, ho. Women, eh? Now I remember why I call her The Bear.....

So, Plan B. Post it notes. Everywhere. On all the mirrors. She likes her mirrors does my lass. Bigger ones appear every year. On the fridge, of course. I believe the master stroke is the one I put in her knicker drawer, in thick black felt tip, entitled NOTE TO SELF. Pure genius. She'll think it's her idea, see? Still, I'll check the paper-recycle-bin later. Just in case.

Never known a woman with so many knickers.......

I tried to point out that if a had a decent programmable 'scope, I would have been able to prove that the bright orange, flickering light drifting about 500 ft (she says) overhead we saw, was not, as she claims, "Another Bloody Chinese Lantern" ^*1 .

Admittedly, we live near the top of one of Sheffield's seven famous hills, and we do see a lot of them on the way to set fire to the crops in the fields we can see in the distance. She says I'll just have to keep building "that shrine (I'm) building to worship our incoming alien masters".

Since I'm in the middle of a telescope crisis, and can't tell the difference between sarcasm and irony, I gave her a Blank Look. But, and I'm not being paranoid here, honest, I'm going to check my locked tin under her bed ^*2 to make sure no-ones disturbed my dossier, invasion plans, check book stubs from 1983, and planning application.

Where was I? Ah. If you should see odd lights in the sky over the next couple of weeks, it's probably..

A copper chopper.
A "Bloody Chinese Lantern"
A UFO. Tip. UFO does not mean little gray persons. It means Unidentified Flying Objects. Unidentified . Flying. Object. Got that ? :)

More likely the Perseids meteor shower. In theory, it begins August 12th every year. It's when the path of the earth passes through a cloud of debris from the 109P/Swift-Tuttle Comet. Discovered in 1862, Swift-Tuttle is called "periodic" because it makes a pass through our solar system about every 133-135 years leaving behind a debris trail. More information here - and honest, it's quite interesting :)

The reason there'll be a burst of UFO reports is because like any debris trail, if you can imagine, is like, to quote Monty Python, as the Earth passes through it, side to side, it's like a Brontosaurus. It's thin at one end, much, much thicker in the middle, and thinner at the other. I hope I'll be spending many a happy night on a sun bed staring skywards over the next couple or three weeks with a bottle of wine. heck, if I'm very lucky, I catch some on camera :)


*1 Chinese Lantern. Upside. Released for weddings, parties. Consist of a wire framework usually covered in toughened paper on a wire frame, with a suspended basket with a shielded heat source, normally an oversized 'night light'. Tip :- If you must use the damn things, hold it down until the 'envelope' fills with hot air , otherwise it'll just go sideways and set your hut on fire.

Downside. You can't control where they land. They drive Ufologists crazy. If your into 'alien' spotting, look. If it's hard to see, usually orange or reddish, and flickers, it's one of these monkeys. They burn crops, the wire gets eaten by cows, sheep and goats, and kills them. They cost farmers thousands of pounds/dollars. No fun.

*2 Her bed. Well, am I right? Isn't it always?