Dark Arts

Our local Chippie is rubbish, and expensive. Floppy wet oily chips and battered fish that's not bad, but at £2.90 a pop for haddock (my preference, because its sustainable) is way too expensive for a family.


I'm not a big fan of supermarkets, but as our last local fishmonger disappeared long ago, it's a case of "needs must" and we now have a 24 hour Asda 10 minutes away as The Bear walks. Drat.


The intense competition between the three supermarkets within a couple of miles has some unexpected benefits, and has seen some nice price drops on own brand stuff. For instance, Morrison's has two absolutely ginourmmous  chickens for a tenner. Sectioned up and frozen, they're great value for money and last for ages.


Likewise, Bear picked up 500g of frozen haddock for £3. Pieces vary per pack, but there were four in this pack, to cook from frozen.


I know how to make my own batter, but out of curiosity I did a quick google, and discovered that most recipes for batter are basically a Yorkshire Pudding recipe. That is so wrong on so many levels, not least that you end up with a smooth, glossy floppy batter, often with a layer of uncooked batter between the rubbery outside and the fish. Batter should be crisp and bubbly.


So, here's my recipe. You might like to experiment. For instance, using Stout, Bitter or sparkling spring water instead of tap water.


My lot insist I use sunflower oil. Me? I'd prefer beef or pork dripping. But what used to be a quick and cheap sarnie spread is astronomically priced. And I wouldn't use lard if you paid me. Well, maybe if you paid me....


What you'll need.


A cooking thermometer. Very useful, and you can pick one up from Amazon for a fiver.
About half a litre of any oil. If you want to be posh, (and rich) try walnut, sesame or groundnut.
A wok. Yup, a wok. I wouldn't be seen dead with a chip pan. So uncool.
As much flour as you need. Seriously. I make my own bread, so I always have strong white handy.
A bowl of water, beer, or stout - but not lager.
A level teaspoon of baking powder
A good pinch of salt and pepper. I use Coarse Sea Salt and black pepper.
Fish comes in handy. Any fish, filleted and boned. Try smoked mackerel sometime.
Someone to hold your hand. It's terrifying.


Put some music on. Dancing is allowed, but if you listen to Sinatra or Frankie Vaugh, it'll burn.


Pour the oil into the wok, and bring it gently up to heat. Oh, and open the kitchen window. Check with the food thermometer to get it up to 190 C or more. More is better, because as soon as the fish goes in, the temperature will drop. This is the scary bit because 190-200 C is seriously hot.


Tip.


A little trick if you don't have a cooking thermometer is to cut a few sugar lump sized pieces of potato. If you see the oil begin to smoke slightly, drop in a potato cube. It will sink. If it sinks, and takes time to rise, the oil (or fat) is too cool. Fish it out and chuck it. 


When one is immediately surrounded by bubbles and rises quickly to the surface, the oil is at temperature. Works with chips too.


Water in one bowl. A good couple or three handfuls of flour in another. Same again in the final bowl, but stir enough of your chosen liquid to make a thick, cloying paste. Too thin? Add more flour. Stir in the baking powder.


Dip the fish in the water. Shake. Not you, you fool, the fish. Dip in the dry flour. Dip into the batter, and immediately, and gently, lower into the hot oil. It'll fizz.  Using tongs or a fork - it should float - turn until it's a deep, bubbly golden yellow. Next.


Serve immediately. 


The left over flour and stuff? Meh. Slap in an egg, beat it like you ARE the one washing the pots, Presto. Yorkshire Pud.