Like Wot She Said

"Y'can tell a Yorkshireman, but y'can't tell him much"

I know, it's a golden oldie. Which figures, considering it came from 'Er Indoors, aka The Bear.

She's quite right of course. Y'can't. Not this Yorkshireman. She's only allowed to say so because she comes from a village closer to Barnsley. Barnsley, or Baaarnsley as she calls it, everyone knows, is only honorary Yorkshire, due some unusual diplomatic cross border relations some hundreds of years ago between their good selves and Sheffield. Quite what those relations were have been lost in the mists of time.

All I can find out on Google is that it was some considerable time before t'internet was invented, and therefore the information is not reliably recorded. I have a sneaking suspicion it was my relations fault.

Sheffield, as we all know, is the true Yorkshire. It is also said that "If tha does owt f'nowt, tha does it for thisen, and never for minimum wage". It must have been a helluva favour.

Note - Edited because The Bear threatened to take me and my wheels to the top of a hill and let go. Wow, what a woman :) Also added Barnsley, Baarnsley, and Yorkshireman to my browsers dictionary. So now it's true.

________

Posted (as a reply, I should add) something light hearted about sex and disability on The Stroke Association forum, Talk Stroke. I was very cautious and discreet. At the end of a list of posts by carers basically saying "no chance buster, after looking after him/her, I'm too knackered". My post, as was theirs, wiped out by The SA. Three times, which kinda sums it all up. Story of my life. Funny :) Stroke survivors have normal lives don't'cha'know :)

Assuming everyone else is like anyone else I guess. Which, I doubt. In fact, heck I hope not.

What is 'normal'?

Bliss.

Ok, not stroke related. Again. But as Terry Pratchett (bless 'is cotton socks) says in one of his books - "bugger it, bugger it, bugger'em". If you get the chance, read his stuff. Highly recommended, if you want a chuckle muscle transplant.

Uh, oh, got a journalist added (added? is there such a word?) as a follower. Quite a wonderfully scatty one too :) Now I'm in trouble..... ~chuckle~ !

Ahum. Anyways.....

This, for me, is the most satisfying time of the year.

Bottling, pickling, preserving, and most of the ingredients free. The local fields are bursting with blackberries, and seasonal fruit, such as apples, pears and plums are going to find themselves turned into jams and chutneys. There's something very rewarding about picking it yourself and seeing the finished product. Other than that, I insist 'Er Indoors looks for 'buy it quick before we chuck it' fruit and veg offers at the supermarket. Three cheers for my grandparents who lived through the war years.

I've been doing this for thirty years, and being one always conscious to watch the pennies, and hating waste - heck, even cauliflower leaves get turned into a creamy, peppery soup with garlic and croutons - I find it very satisfying. Oh, already said that.

Until about three years ago I only made it for the home, and since I use seasonal stuff, found October through to Christmas was my busy season. With All Hallows, Bonfire and Christmas in quick succession, Home Made's are our little bit of luxury. Besides it's kinda nice, particularly in winter, to taste a self made jam and remember the freshness of the fruit from summer.

Don't let the recipes for jams on the net fool you. Sure, you can buy fancy jars. Yup, there's them there fancy 'waxed' disks, jam thermometers and expensive preserving sugars, pectin powders and liquids. I've even discovered you can buy breadmakers with a 'Jam' function. These things all work too. You'll save a lot though using a well washed jar scrounged from a neighbour, kept hot. You don't need a jam thermometer. A spoonful of jam on a cold plate - when it's ready it it will set and wrinkle if pushed with a finger. You don't need pectin either - the juice of a lemon and lemon rind or a little sour apple do the job. Need a disc for the top?
A cup a pencil and a roll of greaseproof paper do the same job. And use ordinary sugar. Nothing fancy - equal parts sugar to fruit. Honey is a great bactericide, so substitute honey for sugar or add a spoonful to the mix.

But autumn and winter are pickles and chutneys. Unlike jams, they last forever. Well, mine do, so there's not really such a thing as an excess, assuming it doesn't get eaten :)

About three years ago, as an experiment, I gave (and posted!) relatives and friends jars of home made piccalilli and sweet chilli sauce for Christmas. Oh, my. Guess who's having to make extra piccalilli today so it's well matured for December ? The demand for Wheelielilli is phenomenal.

I won't bother posting a recipe. Google it. It's so simple. A few tips though. Add a few spoonful's of chopped red, yellow and green peppers to each jar. They add a splash of colour., and they add to any sweetness.

Try Malt Vinegar. It'll give a darker sauce, but a gorgeous flavour. Likewise if you use a dark cane sugar.

If you can't get (or don't want to pay for) shallots don't feel guilty about it. Chopped spring onion, fairly big pieces, added raw to the mix before you pour the mustard/vinegar sauce on
works well, as does cheap, own-brand supermarket silver skin onions :)

A good Piccalilli should have a bit of crunch, and that's definitely true when it comes to the Cauliflower. I have my own recipe, but those on the web invariably say "boil in the sauce for 10-15 minutes" DON'T DO IT !! Instead, take your time with the cauliflower. Sit in the kitchen, put the radio on, and using a small knife work your way through the beastie cut the florets at an even size. Try and keep the stems short, but don't discard them. Put them aside. Afterwards, chop the stems into tiny pieces, and add them to your bowl.

That will take awhile. While your doing that, put a big pan - bigger than you need - on the stove with lots of water and a spoonful of sea salt, and bring it to a rapid boil. When you've finished, throw it in the pan. That'll cool it, but wait for it to come back to the boil, and when it begins to boil, time it for three (3) mins. Immediately sieve it into the sink and run it under the cold tap to stop it cooking. Allow to drain, then use as per the recipe. Voila, cooked but crunchy cauli.


Phew. Give me a little while and I'll post a quick and simple recipe for a sweet Chilli sauce/dip/preserve, and some tips on how to use it as an unusual preserve.

By the way, 'Er indoors went to my me some camouflage trousers t'other day. Couldn't find 'em. Went to the doctors, said I'd got back pain. He said it's my age. I said, "I want a second opinion." He said "You're ugly". I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

And finally.... I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind', so he gave me a kite.... ahum.

Elementry

I'm one of those odd people who read statistics, even though I think their a load of old cobblers. I guess it's because I have a knack for them - forget psychics, just show me a mess of figures. One of my old school reports - I must have been the grand old age of 9 - says "this lad is either going to be the next Sherlock Holmes, or a Pathologist."

True, dead things don't bother me. At 5 years old I had dissected everything I could get my hands on, and by 15 I was trying to take apart any willing young lady I could get my hands on to see how they worked. Didn't find out then, don't know now.

As the aforementioned Mr. Holmes observed :- "How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?"

My dad often said the same about my mother. Over 40 odd (very odd) years later, how right he was.

Couldn't see myself doing pathology. In the end, did a brief spell as a butcher, so yon teacher was almost right. But man, do I know my meat.

Holmes was a selfish, arrogant smack-head. That didn't appeal to me. So stats it's been.

It was with interest then that I poured over the crime stats for my area. Apparently, in this little leafy corner of our fair city, we have, not in any particular order, above average to high incidences for burglary, same for assaults on the person, zero for murder, above average for attempted murder, zero for rape and sexual assault, car crime, including theft,(average) all categorised according police attendance, and marked on some peculiar map based on political boundaries in colours from yellow (low) pink (average/above average) and bright red (high).

It's true - sort of. But it's a classic case of lies, damn lies and statistics. Criminals are people who have been naughty and have been caught. Everyone else either hasn't been bad, or hasn't been caught yet. This kinda stuff is expressed as incidents per 100 population. That's about every 55 households. My street has about 160 households.

So 'high' might be 2 incidents of any one offence per year. But being local, you know where its at. Shots fired at a home. Uhuh, that's 'im at 49. Him who's house smells funny when you walk past. Car theft? Yup, someone nicked his rather expensive car. He spends some time 'helping police with their enquiries' and 'under protection after hospital treatment'. While he's in there, there's a mysterious fire - during searches police find a cannabis farm. That explains the funny smell and the odd fault on the street light outside. I'm up to five offences?

The other house that had burnt down a couple of years ago - rebuilt, renovated, nice family there now? Same back then. Oh hang on, that was a local smack-head. Call that 10 offences then.

Burglary. Now, no burglar operates in their own area. Why? Because they have to live near their victims. Those victims aren't going to like that. Nor does an illegal cigarette dealer, heroin dealer, car thief or con man.

So if you're ever looking a crime stats for your area, remember, crooks are idiots. If by some mischance they live nearby, they won't for long. But the chances are they don't. The stats are misleading because they imply they are local. The reality is they are targeting your area from the outside. Your area is victim of, not a producer of :)

Healthy Hazard

Like most stroke survivors, I take tablets to keep my blood pressure stable. That's why I'm a survivor.

I also like to eat sparingly, but when I eat, I like to eat good quality, healthy food. That means, for instance, I love a steak. That doesn't mean an 8 or 16 ouncer (I wish) It means it 4 oz or less of something nice and expensive I really like. Keeps me happy and keeps the cost down.

The reason I mention something chunky and meaty, is that it isn't the first thing that springs to mind as healthy eating - particularly if you're keeping your cholesterol down. But I'm human, not a rabbit. Don't get wrong, I love veg.

Your body needs cholesterol. It's produced naturally by the body and broken down into oestrogen and testosterone. Both hormones are required by both sexes - the degree depending upon whether you're male or female. The trick is to eat foods in amounts that produce only what you need. So forget the rubbish on the adverts about avoiding it. You need it. It's just by how much. My cholesterol has been a steady 4 to 5 for years, which just goes to show a little of what you fancy does you good.

Salt. The last thing you need if you tend to high blood pressure, right? Wrong.

Even more important if you take blood pressure medication. You should not exclude it from your diet if you eat fresh, home cooked food, as opposed to lots of ready meals or tinned stuff.

I'm used to having a bit of difficulty walking, aches and pains. Almost 'Flu like. But when I started getting dizzy, it was bad news. I wobble enough as it is. Then there was the night cramps. I had used something called 'Lo-Salt', but more often than not, I just didn't use salt.

I mentioned it to an elderly friend, who said he'd had the same thing. He'd found that if he walked any distance, he's have to stop and rest because he was 'cramped' His GP had told him that Lo-Salt (which is 1/3 rd salt) was fine, but no-salt wasn't an option. He was asked to put a pinch of sea salt into his cooking.

I've tried that. And its worked. No more cramps, no more night cramps, no more dizziness.

So I guess my advice would be a little of what you fancy does you good, and a lot of healthy eating advice should be taken with a pinch.

Sad

A week ago today, Squeak the kitty went missing. She's called Squeak, because that's what she does. She can't meow - the vet said that's just the way she's made. Besides, she'd decided she was my cat, and I'm rather unimaginative with names - ask my kids - their names begin with the same letter too......

The reason we know she's mine, is because I was the one she got up a 05:30 to be let out using the unusual but effective habit of sitting on my face. Rather disconcerting waking up with a face full of cat bum. I'm also the one she takes delight in running up one leg and down the other and tripping me up.

Still, she and Smudge adopted us when they were 6 months old. They were inseparable. Slept together, play-fought together, ate together. He spent all night out, she was a most-of-the-night-in. But since since she's gone, both he and the old girl, Sniff (see, no imagination..) are in most of the day and night. He's become really fussy and chatty with The Bear, and even Sniff will sit at my feet. That IS unusual.

I've reassured the family that I'm sure the worst that has happened is that she's gone back to where she came from. Still, we've checked the house top to bottom, the shed, under the shed, hedges, got the neighbours to check theirs, asked the RSPCA, PDSA and Cats rescue, and their web sites, searched nearby fields.

I'D LIKE TO put posters on lamp posts, or a notice in the local pet shop window, but he won't have it (a) because he gets too many, and (b) he thinks I'd be a 'bit of a nutter' putting my phone number on public display. He's probably right. I've had a word with the local PCSO (around here we call them 'Plastic Policemen' ) and she's says that putting posters up would cost an £80 fine per poster for littering from "the wally wardens", and see (b) above. So I'm at a loss.

Done some reasearch, and discovered they are no laws governing the ownership of cats in the uk. Whatsoever. For instance, a cat walks in, it's yours. A dog....oof, complicated. Hit a dog with a car, you have to report it. A cat? Naw.

So I'm a bit upset. Not fooling the family either. Heard Eldest telling his American mate how upset about it, and Bear keeps talking to the other cats about it.

Truth is, we have a local Urban Fox. Whom I, as an early riser, tend to get on with. I fear he may have the solution :(

Darn it.

Ker-ching!

This is rapidly going to turn into a grumpy old man blog, if I'm not careful....

Now I've had to buy a new combi microwave. Had the last one eight years. First the turntable stopped going round. Ok, thought I, look up some spares on the net. Hmm, £17 for a new motor, and perhaps an hour or two's work - like heck am I pay £80 + £50 'parts' for someone in a shop to do it for me. I'd paid £250 for the thing in the first place. It should be ok to use without the turntable going round, right?

No.... two weeks of use later, (hey, this is 17 quid we're talking about here!) "Wheelie" - yes, she sometimes calls me that when she gets annoyed. "Yes miss?" "Belt up, I can't warm up my tinned chicken curry" (Blargh! Yuk!)

Sigh. Still, as my lass says, "It didn't owe us nowt"

Why a combi-microwave? A combi is a combination of a micro, a grill, and fan assisted electric oven. I eat when I feel like it, which isn't that often. But when I do, it's handy when my mob, fiends, and relatives are doing their thing with the normal gas oven and hob, to use the combi. Secondly, I'm a bit more careful of what I eat. To be fair electricity in the uk is more expensive - but it works for me.

We have a household principle (well, I have) that when we buy something expensive, Micro, TV, Cooker, Dishwasher ect, a couple of quid (£2) goes into a separate jar every week until they expire. In this case, £430 was in the kitty for a new micro. Interestingly, over time, the technology gets better, and prices drop.

So I was able to pick up a bigger, better, replacement - different brand, different make, for for £175. By my reckoning, that's £255 profit that can go back in the pot for something else.

So no 'extended warranties' needed, no bank interest charges, no overdraft charges, no credit card charges, no worries.

Good, eh?

I am going to treat myself.

I don't get out much, which is ok, mostly, because I have lovely views of fields and pastures, and living on the side of a hill, our little home overlooks the seven hills that characterise our city. I fully admit I'm a snow person, and that I'm going to have to wait for that. Meanwhile, I'm looking at rolling green and golden hills.

But I have a hankering for a train journey. I'd like to do it alone, but that's not going to happen. I'd like to do steam trains - but, nah, not much of that around here. But when the time is right, I can wangle myself onto a diesel train, and go to some where nearby. Perhaps Grindleford, and hopefully HERE

:)

Loafing

Forgive me for going on about bread again. There's a problem with uncut bread. Cutting it into slices.

To put that into perspective. I'm aware there are all sorts of devices out there to do it, but we prefer a good, old fashioned bread knife. I CAN cut it - it's a kinda leaning on it on one side to hold it, and then using yon knife. My Bear can do it, but they're very thick, and kinda wedge shaped.

Great for a good old fashioned Bacon Butties but a little too filling for me. Any tips?

By the way, one of my sisters said that a breadmaker is one of those things that ends up at the back of a cupboard - after a-month-and-a-bit ? Nope. In fact, neighbours and friends love 'em.

Note though, we are using the flour/water/yeast/sea salt/sugar mix, rather than a supermarket readymix, and it's TOO popular! :)